This one is going to hurt.

I am a huge fan of RenFaires, ever since My Lovely Bride™ and I attended our first such event back in 2010. While we haven’t been to a Faire since 2019 (for obvious reasons), short of a new variant springing up, we have every intention of going to a few different RenFaires this summer.

That all said, I do have a few issues with these events, that I really must discuss…

Five Things I Hate About Renaissance Faires

1. Hyper-Pseudo Realism. Okay, wait… what the f**k is that? Let me explain. RenFaires are not historically accurate events, any Rennie will tell you that, but these shows do their best to convey some historical accuracy. While we know quite a bit about Elizabethan England, there is only so much you can do in a temporary event such as a RenFaire. That said, there are some Rennies who grab the idea of historical accuracy by the throat, and will not let go, no matter what. These are the people who always throw themselves into their characters, look immaculate in period garb, and generally make the rest of us feel like Trash Rennies. My Lovely Bride™ has become rather self conscious about her garb because of these folk, to the point where she doesn’t really want to dress up for Faire anymore… and that pisses me off to no end!
2. Curmudgeons! I get it, I really do. You don’t want to be at this damn RenFaire, but you came because your date wanted to go, or your kids did, whatever. But in the end, you are blowing a beautiful weekend day, hiking around some fairground, surrounded by “freaks in costume”, and spending way too much of your hard-earned cash on useless crap, right? Well, I will give you this much, at least you showed up, even if you didn’t want to. That said, just because you aren’t having fun, doesn’t mean your date isn’t enjoying themselves, or that your kids aren’t having a blast. Not to mention the many, many other people around you that most certainly are having a great time at Faire, and don’t want to hear you bitching about it! So how about you shut your pie-hole, and grow the f**k up? k thx bai.
3. The damn heat! Okay, so this isn’t really the fault of RenFaires in general, but hear me out. The weather in the Pacific Northwest (where I live) is fairly predictable: Mild and occasionally rainy in the Spring and Autumn, Cold in the Winter and Hot in the Summer. Guess when the Faires in my area occur. If you guessed “When it is goddamn bloody hot outside!”, a Winner is You! People in my area are used to the rain, we don’t mind it, and would absolutely love to attend our Faires in the late Spring or early Autumn. But no… all of our Faires are in Nosebleed Hot season, which really sucks!
4. Trinket Vendors. I’ve been to a lot of Faires over the last decade or so, and one thing I’ve learned is this: Sometimes it can be hard for an event – especially the smaller ones – to book great vendors and performers. So to be financially viable, they will sell space to vendors that don’t exactly fit the mold for a RenFaire. I’ve seen people selling Tupperware, others hawking time-shares, and still others pushing modern makeup at Faire. I’ve also seen literally hundreds of vendors selling cheap crap from China and other such places. Some of these are knockoffs of period jewelry, weapons, and the like, while many others were just selling what I like to call “Shiny Junk”. All of this hurts the artisans selling much higher quality, handmade goods at Faire (undercutting their prices), and strips away any veneer that Faire might have had of historical accuracy at all!
5. Goddamn Trekkies! Look, we get it… You want to be different from everyone else who dresses up, so rather than come in proper garb, you break out your Star Trek outfit and pretend you are a part of an “Away Team”. Clever, except for one thing: You just broke the Prime Directive, you moron! I really want to start going up to folks doing this at Faire, flash them a Star Fleet Security ID, and advise them that they will be in my report!

All that aside, I absolutely love going to Faire, and can’t wait until next month (assuming all things go well), when we can get to our first event of the year! Even if I do go broke because of it!