My Lovely Bride is trying to Murder me!

Like, for real!

I have talked in glowing terms about My Lovely Bride™ in my various blogs for two decades, and not without good reason. She’s amazing, and I am the Luckiest Guy Ever to have her! That said, I think she might be looking to get rid of my dumb ass, at long last.

Her preferred method of my demise? Masks.

I think it is fairly obvious to all right now, but just in case you haven’t noticed yet, we’re currently in the middle of a global pandemic, the likes of which have not been seen since 1918. In short, things be bad out there right now!

Furthermore, I am classified as an Essential Employee, because “reasons” (which boil down to my employer is too cheap to set me and my co-workers up to work from home). So I have to go out into the world five nights a week, and work at a hospital where we are treating COVID-19 patients. Yeah. Great.

You would think that, should My Lovely Bride™ be of a mind to do away with my dumb ass, all she need do is let me keep going to work until I get the ‘Rona, right? Especially since I have some rather well-documented health issues, that put me at a pretty high likelihood of having a severe case of the Deads, should I catch this particular virus.

But no, my Sweetie is too smart for that, since that would be far too obvious. Instead, she’s doing everything she can to keep me safe from this disease. I’m being fed a very healthy diet, protected from outside contact, other than when I have to go to work, and so forth. She’s even made sure I have protective gear, something not even my employer has gotten us!

So… wait… How is she trying to kill me, again?

Oh, that’s right. With the PPE. Specifically, the masks she got for me.

It’s like this: My Lovely Bride™ got her Mom to make us some reusable cloth masks. They are really nice ones, with replaceable filters, and are way better than the paper masks my employer is supposed to be getting for us… eventually…

But here’s the problem: They are too good. In fact, they make it almost impossible to breathe at all, when you are wearing them, and what little air you can get feels like you are breathing through a straw.

Cover your mouth and nose with your hand. Now try to breathe. Doesn’t work all that well, does it? Well, these masks are only a little less restrictive than that.

Okay, so why don’t I just not use the masks, then? What, and catch me a wild case of the ‘Rona?

Basically, it comes down to inevitably catching this nasty little virus, or possibly not catching the virus, but being slowly suffocated by my masks. Either way, I’m a dead man!

Here’s the thing, though: I totally get it. If I had to live with me, I would be looking for a way to end that suffering, as well. But My Lovely Bride™ has been living with me for over 27 years, and we’ve been married for 26 of those years. That’s a lot of time to plot the perfect murder.

Anyway, in conclusion, if I managed to catch a bad case of the Deads soonish, be sure to take a good long look to see if my wife had anything to do with it! Also…


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